Monday, December 19, 2005

The Tale of a Lost Night


The Tale of a Lost Night

Outside, the security guard loses his sanity, the barking of dogs hounding him with spectres of monsters and nightmares.
Inside, a light flickers waywardly, unevenly distributing the infringing darkness.

Outside, my eyes droop toward slumber s l o w l y.
Inside, my heart shifts on its orbit, and my mind shuffles incessantly towards her with the passing of another night.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Rubicon Cube


The Rubicon Cube.

The other day my parents got back from a flea market, and my Dad toyed with something in his hand. He held it up, a box-like structure lacking any special lustre or immediate appeal. His concentration was snatched away by this ostensibly magic tool as he tinkered with it for hours, implacably. He finally grunted something under his breath and went to bed, drunk. I quickly abducted the inanimate object with swift stealth and hurried off to my room, with my newfound ‘precious.’ It seemed so colourful yet dastardly disappointing, how could this grab your attention so indelibly? So I set off to work, uh, play with this souvenir of the 80s (I wonder if it comes with a free mullet and Hi-Tops?) with 99 Red Balloons aurally scratching the top of my head.

Interesting, engrossing, absorbing, fucking irritating. Those are the words which sum up those frustratingly fun feelings you get inside while trying to figure the bastard out. After spending what was probably an eternity, but felt like a couple of seconds hacking away at its enigmatic soul, the unthinkable happened.

In a myriad colours and maculations the cube’s lower half shattered at my expense. I saw and felt it then, the unnerving feeling of a puzzle you haven’t solved shattering before you got the chance to unlock its oracular mystery. A guilt hung over my head, what was my Dad going to think? I shuffled along picking up the pieces of the puzzle and ran to my parent’s room throwing the unidentifiable blobs onto their table, then skulked off into the clutches of sleep.

The dude that my Dad bought it from probably had a million of them from a toy store he used to own during the 80s and now he’s trying to sell them off to nostalgic or unwitting customers. I plan to go to his stall and give him a piece of my mind; maybe I’ll buy one from him. I can’t go back now, the Rubicon has been crossed.

But then again, there are more important things in life than consuming your mind with a girl you never really knew in the first place.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Monday Blues


Monday Blues

I'm going to make this more like a blog. It's Monday and I'm feeling bloggy and blogged down with the Monday Blues.

The CRUSHING futility of hope in a prejudiced world,

drowns me, overpoweringly, devouring me,

as PILLARS of darkness tower me,

like a far-away monsoon blown over my tropical island.

The Deluge of Destructive Depression Dangerously Drowning me.

I hate Mondays.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Poignantly Pondering - What happened to love?


Poignantly Pondering - What happened to love?

Love used to be gentle hugs on snow-frosted Christmas evenings and heartfelt conversations at candle-lit dinners. It used to be late-night drives, under the stars, to places where trysts were forged, love used to be iridescent sunrises on the beach and content heads on the sand.

What happened?

Love has either disappeared, found a new meaning in the ever-changing dictionary of modern times, or is taking a small break while we search fruitlessly for it. Love in the new age seems to be losing its impetus becoming, along with marriage and relationships, more disposable than one-ply toilet paper. As we become enamoured with narcissism and social conditioning encourages transience, love loses its place because it's supposed to be everlasting. Romanticising history is probably because of this - if the demise of love is inevitable, we might as well remember something so beautiful and unique. Economics are the future so money can buy you love, but it cannot make you love. We have become so obsessed with finding love but so pre-occupied with sex that our lives become nothing more than constant conflict. We yearn for love (of all types) but the media shove their ideology of sex down our throats on a daily basis. With a partner, love and sex should be co-related but we have separated them. Sex is great, but love and sex together are amazingly explosive. What's pancakes and cinnamon without the sugar? These days it seems cornerstones of relationships have been abandoned. Women are like,"Virginity. What's that? Let's shag," and men think, "Chivalry. Huh? Let's fuck." How sad. Yet love exists in various kinds and it seems scarce in all these types.

Since when was love storming into a country and killing thousands of civilians in their own interest, since when was love cruelly raping a naive child, since when was love confining and starving your pet dog in harsh quarantine, and is it love if you neglect your true character to fit others' expectations. Love seems to be the missing link in our evolution. We dropped it along the way and haven't been able to fully recover it. I hope that some miniscule chance (even if it is smaller than shrunken midgets) exists for it to be regained to the ideal we held dear.

Excuse my pessimism, however. I tend to see things negatively, like a photographer in a dark room. Keep on looking for love, though, or unless I've got this whole rant horribly wrong - enjoy your star-lit dinner on the banks of the Rhine with your soulmate tonight.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Memoirs - Why do I love skateboarding?


Memoirs - Why do I love skateboarding?

Why do I love skateboarding? It's probably a never-ending question that skateboarders ask themselves but doesn't need answering. It's as if we rush into skateboarding as fools rush into love. Yet maybe it's precisely that - we are all fools caught up in our endless love affair with skateboarding, but joyous fools nonetheless. I found myself retracing my steps before I actually "met" my first love, and fell head over heels (in most cases literally) for skateboarding. To explain why I love skateboarding, carving out creative lines under cloudless skies, screaming in stoke at new skate vids, marvelling at the mad trickery the pros master, would take forever and my mind would be warped from unparallelled ecstacy as I relay all the times I've spent in absolute awe of skateboarding. But I'll try, here are my memoirs -

When I first started skateboarding it enveloped me completely, it was a giant force swallowing me whole and I couldn't escape, or at least I didn't want to. Reminiscing, I often wonder how such a simple act could give me such happiness but as I was initiated into its lifestyle I realised it was far from simple, and that's excluding the skateboarding part. It was a completely new, almost esoteric, culture that contained so many new facets and constituents it was truly eye-opening. I found myself opening new doors everyday, music that drove me and shaped my love for music today, magazines with artistic elements and literature (hmm..?) that sparked a creative fervour inside me, it was too good to be true, and inevitably it was. I picked up a susceptibility to idiotic injuries that was startling (how do you bust your elbow doing a harmless switch tic-tac, well I can comfort myself with the fact that it was switch.) I tried to come up with agonising explanations, maybe skateboarding wasn't meant for me (excuse me?) , maybe I was just clumsy, or perhaps that same force that had swallowed me was experiencing a little indigestion and wanted me out. Whatever it was out of the five years I've been "skateboarding" I've only been on a skateboard for about three. And it would always be the dumbest shit. Instead of cracking my knee on a 10 stair half cab, I cracked it on a ten brick ollie drop, instead of concussing myself on a helicopter acid drop, I concussed myself on my first mini-ramp drop in. Yet still I had developed a religous zeal for skateboarding that would have frightened even the early missionaries back to England. Whatever I did, whatever I didn't, revolved around skateboarding. I would rope it into all my conversations I had whatsoever, I would talk about skateboarding whilst others were talking about soccer, I would talk about skateboarding while others were talking about geology, I would even talk about skateboarding whilst others discussed the socio-economic progress of Argentina post-Evita, damn it was crazy. "Oh does your new car have four wheels? You know my skateboard also has..." It took over my somewhat academic tendencies at school, "So does thirty squared equal nine-hundred? You know Tony Hawk once..."

But it changed me into what I am today, shrugging my timid nature to scream at my parents when I couldn't go to the park (or maybe it was those teenage hormones) and creating a critical, discerning mindset in today's age of baa, baa, black sheep. Physically skateboarding has done my body far more harm than it has good, but mentally the pleasure it has given me is uncomparable. When I'm not skateboarding I long to go back, skateboarding is my drug, and I'm completely addicted.


Picture Perfect

Friday, May 27, 2005

The Evils Of Capitalism


The Evils of Capitalism (Academic thinking at its most furious)

The cliche 'money is the root of all evil' is well known but is this statement wholly accurate? Money is more likely the 'catalyst of all evil' serving as the vile river whereby all the injustices and scurvies of humanity flourish and flow. Money is said to be able to buy you anything apart from happiness and love. Yet by living in our capitalistically economic society we rely on money to live and survive, and thus by giving money precedence we distance ourselves from happiness and love. A simple syllogism which is accepted by many people, who carry on hegemonically passing out their inane, meaningless lives, in our world. Money drives the lust for greed and kicks open the door to an incessant hunger for it, no matter what the circumstances may be. It feeds on the power-hungry characteristic aspect inherent in every individual and torments and taunts them into believing that it is an elusive elixir able to buy them instant success or, even, instant suck sex. That is what it has driven humanity to, selling their bodies, in return for its sullen filth which in turn sullies them. The ideology of capitalism pretends to lie on success, yet it is obvious that capitalism, in fact, lies on principles of greed and lust and it is these (note, deadly) sins that tear apart the virtues of humankind and rip apart friendships and relationships. In capitalist societies our morals, hence, rot away from the centre spreading outward like a disease (just look at what has happened to America, which is arguably the most prominent capitalist state in the world). Claiming to be built for success, it is a euphemism for being built up for greed and by distancing ourselves from happiness and love, we are distancing ourselves from what is truly important in our lives. I don't mean to get all hippy or preachy on your ass (maybe hoppy and peachy if you're female, hmm...) but rather than scorning your true lives and selves for money, scorn the evil of money for your true self. We have become enslaved into this system and to scorn money completely would be certain death (so I'm not asking you to do that dumb fuck.) I'm merely informing you about the sickness and wrongs that have plagued our planet via humankind. Remember what Biggie said, "Mo Money Mo Problems", and he was a wise man.

Capitalism makes evil. Evil made capitalism.


Friday, April 15, 2005

The SPLASHY adFENture 2005


The SPLASHY adFENture 2005

I set out to the annual Splashy Fen music festival(one of the biggest, if not the largest of its kind in South Africa) with the amp-o-meter not rating too highly. Due to some dismal planning and failing car brakes I wasn't too sure if the trip was going to happen, let alone be successful, but brakes or no brakes I was on my way to Splashy. But how would this year's Splashy match up to the year before, undoubtedly one of the best times of my life. From crowdsurfing to 16 Stitch and going crazy-mad in the Sibling Rivalry and Mr. Smug moshpits to telling stupid jokes around the campfire with the dudes from What Now?! to watching topless lesbians make out in seductive Sapphic pleasure right before my very eyes to emceeing in a cipher with the South African emcee of the year(at B.O.T.Y) Ewok, Quincy Fynn from the Big Idea, and Jet and Sage from the former Nomadz to having an unlimited supply of nature's finest. Splashy Fen 2004 was unsurpassable in experience and events, almost surreal - maybe it was all that nature's finest... Back to this year's trip, once the car was sorted out(yeah right) and fully packed Matt and I set out on our rooaad triip! Big ups to Matt for taking the wheel with the shitty brakes(we almost ploughed into the back of a taxi, cuz of them damn brakes.) After picking up another bud (Cas) on the way, there was a quick stop for the stocking up of vital fluids. Quick stop my ass, Cas bought a whole case of brandy just for five days, looking at it made me feel sick. Instead I was content with Captain Morgan, the Brothers as well as a couple of six packs of coolers keeping me company. We had already set out late and that 'quick' stop saw the sun dip even lower over the picturesque vallies of the Natal Midlands. By the time we were in Splashy territory it was already dark and, for those of you who don't know, Splashy's quite a bitch to find, especially for novices in the blanket of darkness that is the Midlands sky, so inevitably we got lost. After travelling for about 30km in the wrong direction and endless, "it's just around the corner"s, with not a car or homestead in sight it finally sunk in that we were truly lost. Stopping on a desolate road with nothing but the eerily slow sway of the grass and the encroaching darkness in sight is pretty creepy. But we still had Sibling Rivalry to watch, "dude it's past 6", okay scrap that. After endless searching for signals and phone call attempts we finally got back on track. By the time we arrived even the cold weather couldn't put a hold on our super-amped states, Matt and I attempted to put up the tent in the darkness(another bitch) while the Diesel Whores were putting up their darkness in the music tent. The cracking open of Klippies & Cola signalled that we were in town and off we set for some debilitating, drunken debauchery. Apart from the prior dismal planning one thing did go exactly according to plan, a few internet searches and MS Word edits, along with some ingenious presentation work led to 'The Press Passes.' 'The Press Passes' were our ticket to backstage heaven. I wasn't quite sure if they were gonna work but pulling the right moves and brimming with the right confidence they worked alright. Think unlimited access to a fridge full of Heineken, a fridge full of Archer's Aqua, fridge full of Lipton Ice Tea, fridge full of pristine mineral water, hot chicks on standby to make you milo or hot chocolate or coffee, not to mention getting to watch the bands and chilling with them from backstage. It was unbe-fucken-lievable! Watching waves of people mosh in unison to The Narrow frontman, Hanu's haunting voice and the rest of the band's hard sound from backstage plus scooping free shit was definitely a defining moment of Splashy 2005. Matt hit the hay(more like the ditch in the ground) early cuz he wasn't feeling too good and I carried on the endless search for Splashy satisfaction. After a couple of bouts with the bong I was K-O'd and looking forward to the next day.

The rest of Splashy was just as rad and followed pretty much the same suit - wake up, piss on the neighbour's tent, eat breakfast, take a swim in the Alaskan-like temperatured river(while watching half-naked hippies frolick in the water), roam around the place and scope out the eye-candy, then get back to rocking out to some of S.A's best bands and emptying out some of S.A's best band's fridges. Apart from major action attractions like the above 2005 was also spent the true Splashy way - playing hacky sack with dudes I'd never seen before; playing guitar, singing songs and telling dumbass, but funny, stories around campfires with good company; broken hearts and broken guitar strings; and spending some time with sweet Mary-Jane. The amazing brotherhood, togetherness, and chilled vibe at Splashy, as well as the partying and punking and the amazingly majestic splendour of the sky and surrounding mountains make it one of the most unique and special places on this earth. Leaving Splashy in a 2 hour traffic delay, thanks to major rains turning the dirt roads into mudslides and some dude flipping his bakkie into the river, my heart ached along with my liver and kidneys(but that was from something else) to say goodbye to Splashy once again. Splashy Fen 2005 was just as good if not better than Splashy Fen 2004(and that's saying a lot.) Back at home unloading my bag was a tedious and time-consuming task but unloading the memories of Splashy, I'll be willing to do anytime (at least what I can remember.)

Splashy Fen story by Dashy En. (D)

Friday, March 11, 2005

Final Destination


Final Destination

I know I'm supposed to update this column every week but I got caught up in the maelstrom of life unable to swim away from the whirlpool our daily lives suck us into. Naah, I was just busy, but I don't think I'm going to be able to update the column every week, maybe as often as I can sounds better. Yesterday something really freaky happened to me, it was fucking weird. So this tale's gonna make up the column for today.

I was on my way home from university yesterday, on the monotonous route I travel everyday when all of a sudden the monotone was broken with some live accident action right in front of me. A huge streetlight (those massive highway types) had fallen across the highway onto a car. You would think that on Durban roads, with all the ramshackle taxis and sketchy souped-up car attempts, the streetlights would be the sturdiest things on the road. But alas it was not to be. I was in the second car behind the unfortunate one when I saw the street light collapsing right before my very eyes. It all happened in slow motion, in that moment it took an eternity for the street light to hit the car, floating in mid-air, but as it struck the car it was as if time carried on from where it had stopped. Wham! The pole crashed into the car (just to give you an idea of how huge the pole was, it stretched across three lanes of the highway and even went onto the other side). The impact of the pole caused the car to stop dead in its tracks. It was as if a kid had jumped onto a radio control car crushing the bonnet and stopping the vehicle. The back of the car looked fine but when I saw the front of it I was completely shocked. The entire roof had caved into the car, the windscreen was mangled into the dashboard and the bonnet was flattened. The driver of the car looked pretty much unscathed to me, so I thought that he had miraculously escaped unhurt, but when we got a bit closer I saw his arms covered in blood and glass bits, and I saw him pulling out glass shards from his face and head, it was insane. Then I realised that if I had been thirty seconds earlier it would've been me pulling glass shards out of my face and head. Damn. Mini epiphany - I also realised that every now and then you've got to step away from the chaos of life and take some time for the subtleties and finer details in life. After all the entire earth is made up of atoms and molecules, so the little things in life really do count. Maybe the 'Big Guy' was teaching me a lesson today (by dealing that poor dude with a small country's worth of bad karma) or maybe its just the Grim Reaper saying, "You're next in line, buddy." If I don't update the site again, you'll know it was the latter.

Peace out y'all. Drive safely and watch out for those darn highway street lights, you never know...

P.S - This morning I went past the accident scene and the pole had actually crushed all the tar surrounding it and was, in fact, inside the road. Wonder how that dude is?

Sombre Situation, Macabre Mood

Monday, February 21, 2005

Old McDonald had a diary...


Old McDonald had a diary...

The first column in Dclaim is an excerpt from the diary of the C.E.O of the McDonalds Corporation. A friend of mine found it in a burger while eating at McDonalds and I found it very interesting so I decided to put it on the site.

Today I signed a deal with Tony Hawk from that videogame. From now on Happy Meals will be known as 900 meals, I'm not quite sure why they're going to be called 900 meals. Maybe it's because there are 900 calories in the Happy Meal, but the scientists told me that it's actually 900 000 calories so Tony must have miscalculated. Those darned scientists were going to put the fact that there are 900 000 calories in a Happy Meal in a scientific paper, but they all agreed that fat payoffs were better than a stupid doctorate. Doctorates, who needs them? The last time I went to my doctorate was for the heart attack. My marketing advisor told me to sign the deal with Tony because 'he's a role model for the disorientated and impressionable youth and his influence will ensure boosted sales.' Disorientated is such a big word as well as impressionable, I wonder what they mean? I never really liked Tony anyway, that stupid videogame is so hard. I've only landed one trick playing it, it was called a wipeout. I wonder why my son laughed when I told him that? But in the end we all benefit because Tony gets a fat wad of cash, I get a fat paycheck and the kids get fat tummies. When I was coming home from work today, there were these stupid protestors outside the building. They all carried those skate,er, skate...,uh, rollerplanks around with them as well as placards and banners. One idiot had a sign that said 'stop jumping on the bandwagon.' What a dumbass, I drive a Mercedes Stationwagon not a Bandwagon. I wonder if my friend at K.F.C has these problems? He has a clever new way of killing the chickens for his stores and it saves him lots of money too. His employees break the beaks off the chickens and break their necks off while they're still alive and fully conscious. They also stamp and jump on the chickens until they die. He says it saves him money on machine maintenance. I wonder what maintenance means? My sister says they don't have any heart. They probably don't have any heart because all the strength from their heart is used in their hands to kill the chickens, clever guys. I have a heart, well at least one quarter of it. One quarter was lost in the heart attack when my arteries were clogged with transfatty acids from all the burgers I've eaten at my stores. And then I gave away half of my heart when I gave the go ahead to cruelly cut down millions of square kilometres of rainforest to make way for cattle ranches. Now that the rainforest is gone there aren't enough trees to produce oxygen , and with all the Carbon we breathe out not being absorbed it leads to global warming and the killing of many other animals and plants,as well as famishing farmers in Third World countries, not to mention all the animals who lost their lifesource and lives when we chopped down the trees. Animals, shmanimals! We've still got cattle right? Who needs endangered leopards and butterflies anyways? I asked Tony what his favourite animal is and he laughed and told me that its a stale fish. I wonder why he laughed, a stale fish isn't very funny, but what is funny is watching my customers choke on the stale fries I serve them. Well the 900 Meal deal is my conniving trick for the day and I'll earn myself another French Chateau with the money from this one. I asked Tony what he got from this trick and he said stoke. I wonder what stoke means, I wonder if it's better than a French Chateau?

M.C Donald

(All Rights Reserved - D)