Monday, February 21, 2005

Old McDonald had a diary...


Old McDonald had a diary...

The first column in Dclaim is an excerpt from the diary of the C.E.O of the McDonalds Corporation. A friend of mine found it in a burger while eating at McDonalds and I found it very interesting so I decided to put it on the site.

Today I signed a deal with Tony Hawk from that videogame. From now on Happy Meals will be known as 900 meals, I'm not quite sure why they're going to be called 900 meals. Maybe it's because there are 900 calories in the Happy Meal, but the scientists told me that it's actually 900 000 calories so Tony must have miscalculated. Those darned scientists were going to put the fact that there are 900 000 calories in a Happy Meal in a scientific paper, but they all agreed that fat payoffs were better than a stupid doctorate. Doctorates, who needs them? The last time I went to my doctorate was for the heart attack. My marketing advisor told me to sign the deal with Tony because 'he's a role model for the disorientated and impressionable youth and his influence will ensure boosted sales.' Disorientated is such a big word as well as impressionable, I wonder what they mean? I never really liked Tony anyway, that stupid videogame is so hard. I've only landed one trick playing it, it was called a wipeout. I wonder why my son laughed when I told him that? But in the end we all benefit because Tony gets a fat wad of cash, I get a fat paycheck and the kids get fat tummies. When I was coming home from work today, there were these stupid protestors outside the building. They all carried those skate,er, skate...,uh, rollerplanks around with them as well as placards and banners. One idiot had a sign that said 'stop jumping on the bandwagon.' What a dumbass, I drive a Mercedes Stationwagon not a Bandwagon. I wonder if my friend at K.F.C has these problems? He has a clever new way of killing the chickens for his stores and it saves him lots of money too. His employees break the beaks off the chickens and break their necks off while they're still alive and fully conscious. They also stamp and jump on the chickens until they die. He says it saves him money on machine maintenance. I wonder what maintenance means? My sister says they don't have any heart. They probably don't have any heart because all the strength from their heart is used in their hands to kill the chickens, clever guys. I have a heart, well at least one quarter of it. One quarter was lost in the heart attack when my arteries were clogged with transfatty acids from all the burgers I've eaten at my stores. And then I gave away half of my heart when I gave the go ahead to cruelly cut down millions of square kilometres of rainforest to make way for cattle ranches. Now that the rainforest is gone there aren't enough trees to produce oxygen , and with all the Carbon we breathe out not being absorbed it leads to global warming and the killing of many other animals and plants,as well as famishing farmers in Third World countries, not to mention all the animals who lost their lifesource and lives when we chopped down the trees. Animals, shmanimals! We've still got cattle right? Who needs endangered leopards and butterflies anyways? I asked Tony what his favourite animal is and he laughed and told me that its a stale fish. I wonder why he laughed, a stale fish isn't very funny, but what is funny is watching my customers choke on the stale fries I serve them. Well the 900 Meal deal is my conniving trick for the day and I'll earn myself another French Chateau with the money from this one. I asked Tony what he got from this trick and he said stoke. I wonder what stoke means, I wonder if it's better than a French Chateau?

M.C Donald

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